Every now and then when I see two men doing the mature thing by talking through their feelings honestly and candidly, I’m reminded that the toxic masculinity of my upbringing isn’t completely eradicated. I wonder if it can be, perhaps it’s contagion that you cannot purge once infected so you must focus on quarantining it as not to infect others.

As I think about it, my reaction is not that men are having that conversation at all, it’s more that they’re having that exchange publicly. I think I’m used to two men stepping aside and having a quiet conversation, and rejoining the group once accord is reached. It’s an issue of privacy, possibly underpinned by protecting their vulnerability or the sensitivities of other men’s discomfort with the display. That’s most definitely a me issue, because it involves an assumption that expressing one’s feeling is a vulnerability. It shouldn’t be. Modeling good behavior is important, especially in spaces where people are inundated with countless examples of bad.

I think I’m taking the time to post this for anyone else who struggles with the legacy of toxic masculinity in their culture. The discomfort is learned, and it’s centered on “men don’t do that” bad programming. If like me you have the bad programming, let’s start with not shaming anyone who resolves their conflicts publicly, and we’ll work our way up to being able to emulate it if possible. I’m not sure it is for me, but I’ll keep trying.